7 Months

Today marks seven months. I'm not sure what to think about that. It feels like it was another lifetime that he was here. I'm also not sure what I've done with the time. Reality is setting in more. I'm attempting to do more with both returning to and establishing routines. I have a hard time being productive. He was always so good at that - full time student and employee, time consuming callings, his running and biking - and then at home...let's just say I'm realizing more and more how much he really did at home. I knew he was helpful and he made it a priority to spend time with the kids. But, I never realized how much he picked up the slack of all the things I didn't get done - along with all the responsibilities he took on with the house, yard, and vehicles. Occasionally I wonder, "What did I really do again?". So...besides missing him daily and wishing I had the healthy version of him back on a regular basis...I sure miss having 'everything' getting done around here in such a seamless manner. It's hard being the one left behind.

One Chance

Today was a beautiful spring day. I saw a man riding his bike as I was out and about. He was on the trail and from what he was wearing - I knew he was pretty serious about riding. It reminded me of Layne. I had a thought. 'There are no re-dos.' I reminisced about how Layne was concerned about being done. He didn't feel like he had accomplished all he was supposed to do. He doesn't get that chance back. None of us get our chance back. When it earthly experience is done - it truly is over. We get lots of do-overs...times when we get to represent and try to so better...make things right. But, we don't get to try the whole thing over again. It makes me think that it's important to do the best we can.

By Myself

The last while I've been forced to figure out a way to do things on my own. We've had people giving help. But, I still feel like I'm the one that needs to at least have every topic on my radar. This week...we had two days of a dead battery in the van. Grateful it's running now.

Missing Date Night

Tonight I made Mac & Cheese for the girls and I. They had a friend here too. The three of them ate outside. (The boys are gone hanging out with friends.) I was reminded of 'date night'. We did a lot of switching with other parents when it came to child care. The kids thought they were getting together with friends and the adults had a chance to go on a date. Win/Win. (Ok. So maybe I'm a tiny bit picky about who takes care of my kids. Oh. And cheap. It's less expensive to do trades. Better care for less money. That is a win/win.)

Anyway...I was reminded of date nights because we would typically feed the kids when they were here. It was usually something simple that all of the kids would tolerate. So - Mac&Cheese+Kids Eating/Playing Outside=Date Night (when we were on kid duty). 

It's also a Friday - so, that's a factor too. I miss date night. There was a while toward the end that we didn't do the child swapping thing because the kids were old enough to take care of themselves. 

I miss date nights. I miss being able to spend time with Layne. I miss being able to go and do things with him. I miss 'just the two of us'. I miss his laugh and his smile. I miss the 'just for me' way he would look at me. I even miss having other kids come over when it was someone else's turn to go out. I miss seeing him interact with all the kids. I miss Layne.