Figuring It Out

I have not been consistent in publishing posts. For the most part - I haven't been writing. I also have a few posts that I've started but need to finish and publish. Things have still been happening and I know I've lost a few thoughts/experiences because I haven't written them down yet.
I've been having a difficult time with pretty much everything for the past couple of months. That's part of my reasoning for not writing more. I had been thinking that I was going to get into more of a habit of being consistent - instead I did the opposite. I don't know exactly what has been going on. I have been doing the very minimum. I was doing more than I thought I would to be by myself and just be sad or exhausted - or both. I haven't been able to figure out where to go from here. Everything is different without Layne. I still have a hard time realizing he's gone. I get it intellectually. Someone dies and they're not coming back (okay so that happened once - but, I don't think it's slated to happen again when there's no reason for it). I know Layne will not be coming back. There are times I feel like other parts of me think he might be - maybe it's the wishing part - maybe it's the part that doesn't want him gone - maybe I think that if I miss him enough he'll appear again. I don't know. I just know I miss him and I've had a hard time getting past that to the productive part of life that I'm supposed to be jumping into wholeheartedly.
I felt like I was down after the funeral. I felt like I needed to keep going from the time he passed away to the day of the funeral. I don't know if it was the adrenaline or all the people that were helping. But, something kept me going until it was over. I crashed after that. I somehow made it through and thought I would just move forward. I started doing better with working with the kids and accomplishing some of my own goals. The holidays came and went and I seemed to have crashed again after Christmas was over. Maybe it was the same kind of thing. I held on and then had more things that I needed to work through. I don't know. I just know that January and February have been neither productive or cheerful. I have been doing enough to survive. But, the word thrive is far from how I would describe the last couple of months.

Still Running

There are times I wonder why it was him and not me. Everyone knows he's the one that was the most productive. It's what I struggle with the most. If it were him - he'd still be working, put all the kids in charter schools/public schools, and have a system for all the necessary improvements for the house and yard. He'd have high expectations for the kids and for himself. He'd still be running.

Five Months

Today marks five months. In a way it feels like he was just here - in so many other ways it feels like it was so long ago. I miss having him around. I truly wish he were here to help the way he used to with the kids and everything that goes along with running a household. It would be nice to have him here to hold me...to tell me things were going to be okay.